Category Archives: Life

Let the Silence Speak

Written on February 5, 2012 by in Life
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About three years ago I heard a sermon that was taught about the subject of healing. The pastor was using an example of swinging on a trapeze and needing to let go and grab on to Jesus with both hands. At that point in my life, I desperately wanted to. I didn’t know how. For added measure, because what is a good heartfelt Sunday morning post without quoting a little Taylor Swift….I was trying to fly but I couldn’t find wings.

I have been a Christian for 33 years and I can’t tell you how many times I have heard statements like run to the arms of Jesus and let go and let God and other things that suggest that Jesus is in a physical sense standing right with us. I realize I could be slightly dipping into a touchy world of theology here, but I am sure I am not the only one who has noticed that Jesus, in fact, is not physically standing right here and I can not physically run into His arms. So, I am left wondering if those types of statements confuse people. How do we  ACTUALLY do that?

Shortly after this time, my husband and I made some major changes in our life, primarily in our schedules and my involvement level outside of the home. Our activity level was not supporting our priorities. Things needed a change.

At the time, my plan was redirection, not no direction. My plan involved trying something new. His plan involved sitting still. God in His infinite wisdom always knows best. I am so glad I listened. With my limited involvement in much of anything outside the home lately, I have found myself with so much time on my hands I have been BORED. BORED! Can you imagine? I have four kids, let me remind you.

It is here that God speaks.

I think I was running so fast and spinning so crazy that despite my best intention to grow close to Him, I created so much of my own noise that I inadvertently drowned out the One that I needed to hear from the most. So, I cried HELP and said enough and found myself still. Oh, how I hate still. Still is uncomfortable. The silence can become louder than the loudest noises that I know.

It is here that God speaks.

…and more importantly, it is here, that I can listen.

So, almost three years later, as I reflect on that morning of hearing the example of the trapeze, I find myself with yet another answered prayer. An answer to a prayer that was a whisper on my lips and desperation in my heart. How do I let go and how do I jump? The answer came in step by step obedience. Obedience to the immediate situations without knowing the ending.

My jump became not a jump at all, but rather a sit down and wait. Don’t move, just breathe. It became a time of  rediscovery of who I am and who God is and how very much He loves me. A period of uncomfortable silence, as the through the silence God slowly reveals what I had been running so fast to try and keep hidden.

I have learned to value the silence in my life. It is something that now takes its rightful place in discussions of our scheduling of our time and resources. Nothing is always on the agenda somewhere. Nothing allows space. Space for my heart to stay in constant contact with my children, my husband, and my Savior. In the space I find my silence. In my silence, I find His voice.

It’s Tuesday

Written on January 31, 2012 by in Life, My kids
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My full time job is being a mama.

I need full time hours for this very full time job.

It’s pretty important and these kids need me.

All of me. Undistracted. Attentive and here with them. Fully present.

They are always going to need me and one day it won’t be as much as it is now.

For now their hopes, dreams, beliefs, character, ethics, integrity, health, happiness,

and a million other things are being shaped.

I am not going to miss it.

No matter what.

What God Does

Written on January 30, 2012 by in Life
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My daughter had a nightmare.  I was really hating it when she shuffled in it at three am where she settled into a make shift bed beside mine. I knew we were in for a long slumber less party. She’s the super sensitive type and always has been. God chose to use that three am moment. I am so glad He did. If I would have been asleep I might not have seen a very important Facebook post. It came in just after three.

Just a few miles away one of my dearest friends was having a rough time . She wrote an incredibly raw and honest blog post about her current struggles. Any post entitled Ima Dirtbag might just be one to read immediately. She and her husband are in the adoption process of two adorable twin girls and 2 +3 + some parents became a family of 7. A beautiful story. An emotional journey. A rough moment.

I read the post and although I’ve never been exactly where she is, I certainly have been crying out to God for help at 3 am. My own version of rock bottom. This morning the Lord immediately said GO and we did. Word was able to get out immediately through Facebook messaging and not long after daylight we were the proud carrier of an envelope with $160, collected from amazing generous people who were jumping at the chance to help. Multiple people gave all the cash they had on them that morning at church.

At precisely 3:30 this afternoon a small army of 13 converged upon a McDonalds to meet up and strategize our plan of attack. Armed with enough food to feed five little adorable mouths and their parents for days, cleaning supplies, and anxious hearts we gathered and then descended upon their home. We lovingly kicked out our target family to the park and scrubbed their house until it shined like the top of the Chrysler building. We folded laundry, swept the patio, cleaned the blinds, washed the windows and sprayed Febreeze for good measure.

We stocked the pantry, and the fridge, and the freezer. One family that was helping had recently decided to go vegetarian, so they had just been trying to find someone to take a ton of their foods that they wouldn’t be eating anymore. Another family sent a bag of toiletry items. Altogether we had 6 grocery bags, 2 ice chests, and a full back end of the mini van of Costco items….in just 12 hours. Wow.

I was blessed today beyond belief and my heart is full. Not only because the lives of my friends were touched with kindness and love and a hug from Jesus that they needed, but because being involved in a situation that is using people as the arms and feet of Jesus is just what this life is all about. People were just streaming in, all day to help….”What can I give”, “How can I help”? One lady thought ahead to even bring soda and cups for all the workers.

“This was great timing. I was in a funk all day and this really helped me get out of it. I have been looking forward to this all day.” Those are the types of comments I heard. Priceless.

It was a ridiculously marvelous sight to watch. Everywhere you turned someone was cleaning. Someone was loving without question, meeting a need above their own, and meticulously trying to bestow kindness to a family who needed a pick me up. It was lovely and tear worthy.

A follow up post arrived tonight by my friend. God is good. ALL. THE. TIME.

I thought today was going to be ordinary. Not hardly. I was reminded to look for the opportunity to reach out, be bold, ask and watch God work through people. My friend received a giant hug from God Himself today and so did I….and I think it’s safe to say that anyone feels better with a stocked pantry and clean toilets.

Am I right?

Where moments are made

Written on January 29, 2012 by in Life
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The finish line is the celebration, but the celebration could not happen without the hours upon hours of training leading up to it. The collection of moments where nothing but sheer determination and willpower propelled a runner to leave the couch and bon bons behind to brave the cold, wind, and rain in order to continue with the predetermined plan. It is those moments added together that determined the victory was eminent.

I tend to look far ahead. Heck, one of my favorite verses is I lift mine eyes to the hills. Psalm 121:1 This is not a bad place to look by any means, but it certainly can not negate the need for looking right in front of you. Right around you. Even downward. There you will find the simple, the mundane, and more times then not the key to success.

On a rough day a couple years ago, I enlightened the world of Facebook with the knowledge that I was putting one foot in front of the other, because that is all I had to give that day. One of my Facebook friends replied, “Many great things were accomplished that way.” Those seven words, quite frankly, have changed my life for the better.

I’m looking far ahead in anticipation of the big moments. I love the big parties, the celebration moments, the big drops on roller coasters, the big vacations, the big hugs, the big successes, the big endings. All of the icing on top, sprinkles on your cupcake moments that make this world a better place. The times that fill you with warm fuzzies and become a permanent habitat in your memory bank. Yep, that’s me. They drive me.

I was missing something so entirely fantastic that I learned on Facebook that day. You see those moments are made in the trenches and no where else. I had forgotten that.

One of my most favorite things to do in all the world is to plan events. I have been very blessed over the years to have the ability to do so in various capacities. I love every step of the process. It begins with laying on the floor with my laptop, blank pad of paper, and pen. Furiously scribbling the beginnings to something I pray ends up magically. Watching the creative process unfold as each step of completion in the process generates new ideas and details that will contribute to the end result. Spending way too many hours laboring over each last detail down to the color choice of a piece of confetti…because every single decision really does matter. Pouring in blood, sweat, tears, and heart while shoulder to shoulder with your team of helpers. Staying one step ahead so that pre event crunch time, which is inevitably crazy, can be somehow as stress free as possible. Making sure you are on your A game, so that when crisis comes, because it WILL come, you can deal with it quickly and efficiently so as to not let anyone on to your behind the scenes wily ways. At the end of all of this hard work and preparation something glorious happens. During each event that I have planned I have learned to take a moment to sit back and look at what the hard work as produced. Smiling happy faces of people who are experiencing a moment in time that will forever bond them and hopefully forever imprint something positive on the very fabric of their being. You have created a memory and an experience. Given them something positive. Given joy. None of it would have been possible without the hours leading up to that one defining moment.

Dramatic much? Yeah, I have secret dreams of being David Tutera or Tori Spelling in my next lifetime…I apologize.

The bottom line is…

You don’t get in shape by talking about it.

You don’t get your house clean by thinking about it.

You don’t make good friends by hoping for them and…

You don’t raise happy healthy children by crossing your fingers or wiggling your nose.

You get in shape by consistently putting down the cookie and picking up your running shoes. You get your house clean by pushing up your sleeves, getting on your hands and knees and scrubbing (sometimes gagging) relentlessly. You make good friends by investing in others time and time again. You raise happy healthy children because of the middle of the night snuggles, the dropping your seemingly important tasks to sit down and hear about what their baby doll did during nap time, and collecting hours on your knees when no ones looking. It takes millions of moments of invested hearts and souls.

I am learning that it’s not the finish line, it’s the journey. It’s not the trophy, it’s the training. It’s not the smiles as much as the tears. It takes a whole lot of the first to create the last. The littlest things create the big. They absolutely go hand in hand.

In the trenches is where the magic happens. Do not let the toilet grime get you down. It is where the moments are made. When you focus on taking every task at hand with the intensity of a training Olympian, all of a sudden you wake up and realized you have accomplished something very big. All the steps that one foot in front of the other create are to be remembered, celebrated, and given their rightful place in our lives. There, and there only, is how we reach our goals.

Let’s live a good life.

 I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. Phillipians 3:12-14

Have a blessed Sunday.

xo.

My God Shall

Written on January 25, 2012 by in 170 School Days. 2011, Life, My kids
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I was filled with doubt when I began homeschooling. Looking back, one of my greatest concerns was that my children would get everything they need to grow up into happy, healthy, well functioning, non weird, non unsocialized children who were taught at home. Was it even possible????

Three years and many tears later I will tell you, heck ya. It is.

It doesn’t matter what God has called you to do. Whether it be to send your babies to public school, Christian school, private school, charter school, homeschool, online school, or school in a van down by the river….

My God shall supply all your needs.

MY GOD SHALL SUPPLY ALL YOUR NEEDS.

MY GOD SHALL SUPPLY ALL YOUR NEEDS.

Lord, as I seek to know you more, please melt my desires and wishes to become one in the same with Yours, as I travel down the path You have set out before me.

One of the biggest concerns I have heard from homeschoolers in general is FRIENDS. Connection. How will we get enough?

Would you believe we have a sweet family who lives two doors down? There are four children who live there. They homeschool too. We live on a court with a park at the end of the street. Recess can become a little more fun, a whole lot more quickly.

The girls will be girls…and the boys, well they will most definitely be boys.

Looking for the beauty in God’s provisions, every step of the way.

Learning to always be content. Learning to be filled with joy and thankfulness of the beauty that is around me every second of every day.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.-Phillipians 4:19

Control Freak Much?

Written on January 22, 2012 by in Life
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I love the weekends, especially the ones with rain involved. My hubby and I had a date night on Friday. We stayed up late and talked, side by side, by the fire. It was perfect. I love good conversation. I seriously could talk for hours. I love the connection. Love it. I also find that I process everything better out loud. I can’t tell you how many times I have been talking something through with someone and enlightened my own self as I was talking it out. These are times when I think that perhaps I should consider paying myself for therapy. Things just start to make sense as I hear myself say them.

Over the last couple of years the Lord has been really working on my own down deep issues. The ones that maybe no one sees, but become glaringly obvious as soon as the lights go off and you fight for sleep. You know those kind? The super fun ones. They are the ones that inevitably shape you. They keep the work hours long and the schedules busting at the seems…. the credit card debts high, the pounds on, the tough exterior in perfect fighting form, or the subtle poor me persona doin’ its thing. They sit, oh so magically, beneath the surface at a place that is perfectly situated below where they are easily seen but visible enough to let you know that they are still there.

Somewhere along the way, I’ve recently decided to embrace the fact that I am a control freak. Control freaks all look a little different. Some are blatantly obvious. Some, not so much.

I think I am one of the worst kinds, because I didn’t know I was one. Remember When Harry Met Sally? She was high maintenance, but thought she was low maintenance. I am Sally. However, not so much with ordering. O.k. wait, that is a lie. I am a super high maintenance eater too. Omg. BUT the point is that I am a control freak that didn’t know she was one. I didn’t fit my own definition of one, so I never really considered it.  Turns out, I am a control freak of the emotional kind. This revelation came about after the prayer….Dear Jesus, I want to trust you more.

I have realized that trust and control freakiness do not play well in the sand box together. Not. One. Bit. Despite my life long attempts to make these two get along, I have finally realized it ain’t gonna happen. They do not and can not co exist. Basically with these two, you have to pick sides. You can’t have 100% trust in someone while maintaing control. At least, I have not found this to be anywhere near successful. Believe me, I’ve tried.

When I choose to trust, I have to embrace the fact that I am not in control. Let go…..two words that have the ability to induce panic for me. Merely typing them might be the reason my heart is starting to race. You see when you let go, you can get hurt. I don’t like that.

The problem is that letting go allows an immeasurable amount of joy. Living life to the fullest, the way it is meant to be lived. Drinking in every moment. Feeling everything. My heart’s desire. I do want that.

But it also means embracing the fact that I can not control this world around me. Life will not play out the way I think it should. I can not guarantee a life that is illness free, tragedy free, and heartache free…and after deep pain comes the instinct to protect, bottle up, and c o n t r o l….a vicious cycle perhaps.

I choose to let go. Let go of my need to protect, worry, and stress. My God’s got this.

It is a tough choice. A daily choice. Sometimes a minute by minute choice. I want to look at my life through His lens not mine. Trust Him with all of my heart, all of it. Trust Him with my husband. Trust Him with my precious babies. Trust Him with my joys and trust Him with my sorrows. Trust Him with the little and trust Him with the not so little. Give up control. Give it up. GIVE. IT. UP.

Growing is so flipping tough sometimes. Ugh, how there are days I long to sit and play on Pinterest and eat bon bons all the day long. Adorn myself in some fabulous pajamas and just watch the world go by. Growth is so necessary and comes in such unexpected ways. It is also so uncomfortable and  leaves me drained and completely vulnerable. It is there, however, where change happens. God is there and God is good.

Lord, thank you for the still of the night. How many tears have been shed there, deep cries of the soul experienced there, fears have been quieted there, and unending hugs to my heart received there…..

God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Takes one to know one

Gem Dates.

Written on January 17, 2012 by in Life, My kids
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The power of positive thinking can be C R A Z Y impactful. I need to bottle me up some of that and shake it all over my house. TOO MUCH DISCIPLINE is taking place over here. How can there be too much discipline, you ask? I ask the same thing. I guess it is too much negative behavior, that is the actual problem. There is nothing earth shattering going on. Just plenty of constant unending “little stuff”. Which actually is pretty big stuff to me ~eye rolling, sass sass SASS, arguing, not completing chores, and a huge amount of whining. Sounds fun, huh? Wanna come over?

When negative behavior comes, I tend to favor the “ok, that’s a chore” approach. This way I get a semi~clean house out of the deal too. However, this is sliding down a pathetic hill quite quickly. I have become a full time Mrs. Hannigan. Just me and my little pig droppings.

While it is tempting, I know that I can not just yell ABORT to all punishment and scream and run away. That will get me nowhere fast. It needs to have its place in our home, but it needs to be balanced with love and positive things. How do we strike that balance when the kids are struggling?

Then one day, I read this. It’s a long read, but full of great stuff about this mama’s household systems. I am adapting the GEM DATE from it.

GEM DATE :[jem dÆt] n. 1. a date earned with your mom or dad for exhibiting Christ like behavior over and over  until your jar runneth over. 2. a time of hanging out one on one with either a mom or a dad. 3. a time to be loved on and made to feel like the special little child of God that you are.

Jars @ Home Goods  $1.99

Gems (aka marbles) @ Walmart  $3.00

Each child gets their own color of gem and their own jar to collect them in. I get to dish out gems for whatever I want such as attitudes, actions, extra chores, etc. They receive gems for GOOD things. However, not every good thing with be rewarded and one is never ever allowed to ask for gems. When the jar is so full that they can’t put their lids back on, they are rewarded with a GEM DATE. We started this, this past Sunday. I filled them up just to show you. The big sliver thing behind the gem jars is our craft container (aka spice rack from Costco). It has nothing to do with our gem dates at all, but on a side note it is super functional and cute too.

I mixed all the gems together and put them in a great big jar that I already had at home. They live in my office on my favorite Ikea bookshelf of all time. The kids are allowed to go in and get their gem when they earn one. They take it and put it in their own jar.

The dates will occur one on one with either me or my husband. We will decide where the date will be and who they will go with. It may be as simple as a trip to the park to play catch, or Rite Aid for ice cream. Sometimes it may be a meal out, or even a game of mini golf. It will always be one on one.

It’s been a little over 48 hours and let me tell you whats happened already…

I am focusing and looking for their good behavior. Who knew this would end up changing me first and foremost?

 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

Philipians 4:8-9

The Day Miley Made Me Cry.

Written on January 14, 2012 by in Life
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In October I took up running. I am not sure why. I just started and haven’t stopped. I started with the couch to 5k program and completed my first 5k at the end of the nine week plan. I ran the whole way. The program works.

The next week I began training for a 10k. I will be running that on March 27th. That is a bit more terrifying. I have committed to run it with no walking…the entire thing. In July, I will complete a half marathon. That could be a run/walk situation, we will just have to see how its going when I get closer.

I don’t know anything about running. I have no fancy running clothes or accessories. I have this thing that I put my iPhone in that straps on my arm so I can hear music. It’s broken. I taped it together with masking tape. I am kind of a hot mess when I run. I am also kind of o.k. with that.

It’s through this set of circumstances, I have become a runner. I love it. I may not be a runner in a year. Who knows. However, I can not foresee stopping. I run on average four times a week. It’s therapeutic. It’s empowering. It’s hard. I love how it makes me feel.

I have a running partner. She is a mama of four just like me. She’s fantastic. We run together 1-2 times a week. I love running with her, but I also love running alone.

Today was an alone day.

I love running together because we talk and solve the worlds problems and discuss all the stuff that girls do.

I love running alone because it’s me and the pavement, music in my ears, and nothing else.

My playlist is all over the place. I have everything from Def Leopard to J Lo to Daughtry to Lincoln Brewster with a little Gaga thrown in. I frequently set playlists. However, today I put my phone on random.

Enter Miley. Ready Set Don’t Go comes on. I have heard the whole song maybe two times….ever. Within 30 seconds I am crying. Me, the pavement, my phone, and my tears are running in some fancy schmancy neighborhood near my home.

It’s just one of those silly little songs. A duet between Miley and Billy Ray. A song about her leaving home in pursuit of her dreams. Despite your love or hatred for the Cyrus Duo, it can be an emotional topic. It’s amazing to think you raise these kids TO LEAVE YOU. Beautiful and so lame, all at the same time, right?

My tears were not due to the topic of the song. Although, if I start thinking about my babies leaving home, you might find me fetal in the corner of a bathroom somewhere. Just Maybe.

My tears were unexpected. I just had a moment of true deep contentment for where I am in my life. I made some personal decisions this past week that brought me a lot of peace. God picked me up 2 years ago and set me on a new path. I didn’t want to be picked up and I didn’t like the new path. Today I cry with gratitude that my Jesus knows me better than I know myself  and He has the whole world in His hands.

She’s at the startin’ line of the rest of her life. As ready as she’s ever been.

Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes. The prize is hers to win.

 I am excited about this year and what it will bring. I have new direction, new commitments, goals, and peace. I used to think as a teen that I was going to go out there and change the world one day. I was getting frustrated approaching 40 feeling like my goals and dreams weren’t happening.

You know what I’ve realized? I AM changing the world. Four little hearts at a time. All the while, with the heartbeat of the man I love beside me.

There are moments in life that I think…”If five years ago, you would have told me that I would be here today, I wouldn’t have believed you.”

Today was one of them. Fifty minutes into a run and crying to a Hannah Montana tune. Not hardly.

Darn Miley.

 

Linked up with Hip Homeschool Hop.

 

A Miniature World.

Written on January 9, 2012 by in Life, Memories, My home, My kids
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Enter a world where the mom, baby, and housekeeper, sit down to a mid day lunch of potatoes, candied apples, Fritos, cheese, chocolate cake, and coke. I’m so totally in. Sounds dreamy.

Look closer…doesn’t it all look yummy?

I took an extra week off of school at the holidays this year, so I could have a week to deal with post Christmas mess and repair. It was great decision. I was able to spend 2 whole days cleaning out our garage while sorting and repacking Christmas. I started to dig through some of the boxes of things from my childhood.

For Christmas, the year I turned 11, I received a big Victorian dollhouse kit. You know the cool wooden kind? My dad built it for me. I remember he put it on a board covered with fake grass that could wheel around my room. The house was totally tricked out with 80′s wallpaper and real working lights. Over the years it became completely furnished and I remember spending hours rearranging, decorating, and creating my little dream home. I loved it. Unfortunately, today I can’t find a single picture of the completed house.

When we were first married, we moved a lot and circumstances did not allow for me to keep the huge and fragile house very easily. At the time, it was better off to sell. However, I did keep most of the furniture and accessories.

A few days ago the girls and I unwrapped each miniature piece. There were plenty of ooh’s and aah’s and despite the fact that I am 40, I am still fairly smitten with it. It’s so dang cute. Everything is so dang teeny tiny.

After the appropriate fuss was made over each piece I left the room and let the girls set up the house. It was a makeshift house with no walls that covered our entire school table. It was complete with a working toaster, ping pong table, perfume bottles, fruit bowl, and gum ball machine. All the essentials.

My eleven year old was questioning why they don’t make toys like this anymore. I told her I thought that pre teens these days were more interested in electronics. She declared this is way cooler than an iPod. I agree. Whole heartedly.

The mini house still remains on our table. We schooled around it today. I am not sure what to do with it all and I can’t stand to pack it up just yet. I am so glad I kept it.

It would rock if I had a guest room and could display it in a fancy Victorian house just for kicks. In a busy homeschooling household of six, that hardly seems possible or practical.

While my wheels spin on where to put all of my treasures, my girls will continue to create magical scenes out of these fragile and outdated spectacular furnishings. I love watching their imaginations. I love that they GET how very fragile these pieces are and they treat them like gold. My little crazy balls of energy become perfect little dainty ladies trying to manipulate potatoes that are the size of a grain of rice.

The whole thing just makes me smile.

Happy Monday.

Boys and Their Toys.

Written on January 8, 2012 by in Life, My kids
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We are quite blessed with so many people in our life who love on us and our kids. Today we were reminded of that yet again.

Heirloom toys. You know those kind. You imagine your children’s grandchildren pulling them out of an attic one day. We received such a toy today. This awesome family at church came in with a surprise for Greyson. He plays on the worship team with my husband and she watches Greyson in the nursery.

Isn’t it cool? Greyson was clapping and all smiles. It is one of a kind.

As if the toy wasn’t enough…then I found out that the dad in this family made this. MADE IT. With his own 2 hands. I am blown away. Truly, it is a work of art. It is just simply beautiful. I am so honored that he spent his time making such a beautiful gift for my little guy.

Such kindness that will be remembered each and every time I look at this.

This toy will be cherished and used and loved…

by all of us….

Thank you Matt and Hally. What a treasure. We are so grateful for you two.

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