Surrender. It’s not something I am good at. In fact, with each passing year I grow increasingly aware at how my heart struggles with this word on a daily, sometimes minute, by minute basis.

I have written many posts about my health. From the completion of our 10 day food challenge, to the incident with my yoga pants, and everything in between. What I haven’t truly written about is the core deep down issues that God has revealed to me over the past year. I walk the fine line with this blogging thing because I tend to be an overly open person and at times there is wisdom in what to share and what not to share. However, if I have ever been amazed at any one thing, it is the number of women that I have become fast friends with and bonded over this common issue of struggles with our health. It just goes to reinforce the knowledge that Satan’s interest in knocking us out of commission is his first priority….and what an area to choose. The struggles we face with weight, body image, and health, no matter how big or small, can be debilitating. It’s incredible. So while my head screams to muzzle it, my soul says to fight it. I will remain open about my issues because there is healing in vulnerability, there is strength in connection, and in the middle of all of it, there is Jesus.

I think it is no secret these days that a great many Americans struggle with obesity. Most everyone has heard of the Biggest Loser. Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper have become household names. If you watch the show at all, you have undoubtedly seen that they teach with great urgency, if the problem that brought the contestants to this unhealthy place is not fixed, the weight loss will not remain. I set out on a similar quest to reclaim healthy, in all areas of my life. The deep down buried heart included.

I have never been super significantly overweight. For me, the issues with my health, took a little different spin. At the root of it all lies my biggest problem, surrender. I had a very tight unhealthy grip on my physical body. Control was to be mine. No one else’s. At some level I was aware of this, but a big huge vat of denial lived on the surface. I can tell you that I can’t even fully understand the behaviors that I have engaged in over the years, but I can tell you that they were wrong. I can also tell you that they plagued me with a deep sadness, a deep frustration, and an unbearable pain. I am watching the healing power of God change this in me. Why now? Because I asked, I listened to the answer, and I am doing what He says. No excuses. With the intense vulnerability accompanied with surrender comes the beautiful rushing in of healing. Peace like a river.

For years I engaged in behaviors to “control” my weight and keep me thin. I threw up everything that went in my mouth, all day long. It left me with bleeding gums, raw skin on my knuckles, chronic sore throats, and broken blood vessels on my eyelids. I sincerely didn’t think it was a big deal. It made me feel powerful and victorious. Food became the enemy because I knew if I gave in and ate, I would have to throw it up…and that was miserable.  I took all kinds of over the counter pills with no regard for their instructions. Multiple times they left me unable to get out of bed. When those were no longer enough, I moved on to prescription ones. With the common sense reality that these could in fact kill me, I obeyed the proper dosage instructions, but not without being tempted to overdose.

I lived a life of self inflicted punishment. I lived on 500 calorie a day diets, would wake up and jog in place in the middle of the night for hours in my bedroom, and put “you’re fat” notes in strategic places to “encourage” my intense workout routines. I was truly sick. It pains me to write that. It pains me to think of how many women have these struggles along side me. I know they are out there, I have heard their stories.

Looking back, the intense struggles that I faced sat between a great conflict. It was the overwhelming desire to be perfect, vs. the taking care of the wounded soul that haunted my every breath. I desperately wanted to not have issues, to be supermodel thin because surely that would prove that I was o.k. The physical pain that I dealt with on a daily basis, didn’t hold a candle to the pain in my soul. I am not sure I will ever quite understand the psychology of all of this. I am not totally sure that I need to. The Lord is gracious to reveal things in His time.

While I found a way years ago, to manage the physical destructive behaviors, my crippled heart remained an issue. A couple of years ago, the desire to truly heal from all of this and mend this wounded heart, became a very large driving force in my life. When the Lord led me to Made to Crave, I think my journey to healing really began it’s story. It is a story that there may never be an END to because my struggles were deep and I know that despite the victory I have seen God do, the pitfalls remain lurking in the shadows. It will likely be a very lifelong struggle and I am o.k. with that. His power is made perfect in my weakness.

The crossroad between my want to and my how to came at the foot of the cross. My healing began when I truly said YES to Jesus in this area of my life. I said yes before I knew what He was asking of me and that was key. It was finally, for the first time, a yes with no clauses and no excuses. If I am going to stand before the creator of the Universe and demand that He tell me what I will have to do before I will agree to His plan, well then let’s just ship me out to sea on a boat named crazy and call it a day. I don’t wanna give this up, and I’m entitled attitudes are all sin-plain and simple. If it starts with the word I, you can bet a red flag is flying somewhere. It’s all about Jesus, not me. I don’t get to call the shots on my health. I don’t get to hang on to my psychotic over intense work out schedules, have violent throw up sessions with my food, and nurse in the comfort of my bff {aka as diet coke}, all day long. I just don’t.

A big revelation came one day a couple years ago when a counselor asked me if I listened to cues that my body was giving me. I knew I was in for it because I didn’t even understand the question. Sensing the obvious stumbling for words, she continued. Do you put on a jacket when your cold? Do you go to bed when you are tired? Do you eat when you are hungry? Um no, no, and more no. It was a big deal, that question. Gut level revealing in its simplicity. God made our bodies. He made them with signals. HE did and we need to listen. I did not listen to them, or to Him. I listened to me.

This has been an unbelievable slow and painful process. I can sympathize with the best of them about the discomfort felt in giving up control. We control for a reason. Giving it up is un~believeably difficult and even more scary.

There is hope and healing in my heart and on the horizon. Peace is invading the pain, the fear, the sleepless nights, and the torturous days that I have lived with for years.

I understand the…I’ll do better tomorrow. I can’t tell you how many times I have said I will stop throwing up, I will eat healthy, I will count calories, I will just get my crap together…tomorrow. People who don’t struggle with these types of issues have verbalized to me, “why don’t you just do the right thing?” “What is stopping you?” That’s the thing. There is something stopping all of us who struggle in this area. Take the amount that you desire to be healthy, to be thin, to be peaceful…it’s intense right? Figure that the thing stopping us is stronger. It’s time to make this a spiritual issue. To look at the fact that many times, this is not even about food. It’s about something much deeper. Food just happens to be the prop. I fully believe that the struggle in these areas can be equal in severity to alcohol, drug, and sex addictions. Let’s figure out the thing that’s stopping us and recognize that the power of God is able to overcome, to heal, and to set free. Grab a hold of it. These issues are serious. They are no small deal. They are trivialized all too often.

As in all things in the world, there are people who endure so much deeper heart ache and those who have a seemingly simpler road. The fact is we all have our own different desperate situations and challenges. There is a common thread that unites us, however. Life is what you make of it.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? ~Mary Oliver.

Whether it’s been poverty, abuse, accepting special needs, depression, failed relationships, or loss, we are together learning that overcoming the unexpected takes work and sacrifice. It also yields rewards, even if it simply means we say we survived, we learned something, we helped someone else. ~Kelle Hampton.

This is one of my heartaches. Part of my story. A skeleton in my closet that I have invited out to dance with me through this miraculous life that I am living.

I have learned something and I want to help someone. I have stared in the face that overcoming takes work and sacrifice and I WILL survive. I will thrive….and by the grace of God I will heal and be set free.

For the road to healing, the road to Jesus…..it starts with surrender and ends in His arms.

It’s a beautiful thing and He alone is worthy of my praise.