All The Things.

 

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*”mommy, I will pose for you”…AND. I. QUOTE.

Raw.

It is the word that comes to mind about how we live these days and months. We are still in a difficult period in our lives and I am still in a place of deep peace. It is well with my soul. Truly.

I praise God for His transforming, healing power. I am living it. I praise God for all of the blessings He has given my family. I praise God for loving us. I can’t wait until I look back and think, good grief those couple years were ridiculous and they changed us for the better. Maybe change isn’t dramatic enough. Maybe, “He makes all things NEW”. Not just better, not just changed, but N E W. Beautifully NEW.

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Something about a fresh start in a cross country move has provided a safe place to unravel after a very tough season. Or in reality, to fall apart. Praise God, no, for real. Praise God, for that. He doesn’t waste a moment. When you’ve overstayed your welcome in the world of holding it together, this part inevitably comes.

It’s a funny thing, moving. It doesn’t sound that dramatic. But as one of my children expressed to me, “It’s like everything I knew, everything that made me comfortable, everything I was…it’s all gone. Gone… and I didn’t have a say in the matter.” Literally words spoken to me by my child that were breathed before that on my heart. It’s how moving FEELS. That alone is not easy. Some say “kids are resilient”. I say kids are freaking amazing, articulate, little people that feel everything we adults feel and sometimes do it even better than us. Our move was voluntary, but yet 100% necessary to provide a healthy place for our family. As I’ve come to find out, moving, when it wasn’t what you wanted, even though you understand it and embrace it, makes things just a tad more difficult, especially to inquisitive children.

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*a university over 100 years old that looks like a castle. can I be 18 again?

But I wanna feel everything. I want to lean into life head on. To heal and move on from things, no matter how long it takes. To bleed and forgive and make it through. The timing is in God’s hand. Feeling is the hard stuff. Feeling when you are raw is almost unbearable. I could give you an example to drive that point home, but as self appointed president of queasy stomachs of America, I will refrain. Feeling is not the easy route, definitely the road less traveled. There are a million things thrown at us every second to lesson and dull life’s bumps and bruises. So, I will prayerfully and humbly learn to run towards the roar. Sometimes the healing is in the aching. (Just a little thing I read on Pinterest).

Which brings me to this book. Through The Eyes Of A Lion. Levi Lusko. Please get it. Read it. There is a pastor and his wife who live in Montana. They have four little girls. One of them was called home to heaven with no warning shortly before Christmas. These guys have been through what seems to me, about one of the worst things you can walk through. This man has every single justification to write a book about their pain, and he did, BUT not because He wanted to talk about His pain and how hard it was. Rather He wanted to tell His story of how JESUS is healing his heart and the heart of his family without their precious Lenya on this earth. Deep pain and great perspective go hand in hand. There is such good stuff in this book, I can’t dare explain it to you, lest I mess it up. You’ve got to read it.

My mantra these days, “Chase God.” It has become my heart beat. Always has been in my head, but it’s being burned in my heart and soul like no other time in my life. If I was to ever tattoo, this would be it.

Break my heart for what breaks yours. I’ve sung it a million times. He’s answering.

Disturb me, Oh Lord. I’ve prayed it a million times. He’s answering.

Where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars. It’s happening. Holla.

The thing about raw living. It is just that. Raw. Red and painful as the dictionary defines it. Such simplicity for such complexity. Raw is not an easy place when you are in an environment where every single thing is new. Raw is messy. Raw is not always received well. Raw is sometimes misunderstood and sometimes it means you don’t get invited back. Raw. That place doesn’t bring with it warm and fuzzy, it brings pain. Pain that is waiting for healing. I am thankful for my people that hold me up.

All of it is o.k.

Because He leads. He writes our story.

He makes all things new.

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*apparently Lewis and Clark were here. at this spot. 

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We are leaving in 18 days for a marathon road trip back to California. It will be the first time my kids have been back since the move. I am everything about it. It’s going to be difficult and amazing. I have 25 photography clients to see. We will do Santa Cruz, San Francisco, Lake Tahoe and everything we can fit in, in between. It’s all planned, which I don’t like to plan certain things, but we gotta make sure we get to see everyone and do everything. So plan, we must…

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*do not mess with parks in Missouri

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This summer has dragged on and on for me. It’s been awesome, but long. I am craving routine (who just said that?). I am looking forward to returning from Ca and beginning our 7th year of homeschooling. And by the way, do you ever hear yourself say something and think, “wow, there’s a sentence I never thought I would say?”. #yeahthat

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*the ferris wheel between the trees

I have spent a ton of time this summer to continue my education with health and wellness. I have listened to webinars, read books, and attended the Young Living convention down in Texas with 20,000 others. I love that my family is on a path to improved physical and emotional health. I am so grateful for all that I’ve learned and the people I have met. God created our bodies and they are ridiculous {in a good way}. It’s just unreal and I am so grateful for my hippie oils and the community I have become a part of. Life changing. Not at all the weirdos I thought they were.

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Yesterday was a good day. Following the advice of my search of things to do in Kansas City, we went exploring up to Parkville, Mo and the Missouri River. It was downright adorable. Like a hometown boy doing a juggling show on a main stage, while a saloon girl from a show depicting life long ago searched the internet on her cell phone, while the smells of funnel cake filled the air. There was actual little cans of air freshner spray in the outhouse, giant flags on the sides of buildings, and adorable dishes in antique shops. It was all so very Hope Floats.

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*juggle young man, this is your moment.

We played, laughed, fought, made up, and unexpectedly saw the blue angels fly.

There have been many times this past year or two that I have stayed quiet. Fear silences me. Fear of whining again. Fear of people thinking I am a failure because I can’t seem to get my crap together. Fear of admitting that I am drowning. Fear of  feeling.  But God writes our story, it’s not our job. We are to live…with vigor. Do you want to hear a beautiful truth I recently learned? We have a mic in our hands and it is always on.

If a man who had to close the eyes of his five year old little girl and would never again see them open on this earth can live out loud, then dang it, I can too.

Our life is speaking something wether we like it or not. Jesus controls the volume, but our mic is always on.

Crank it up Lord Jesus.

I am with you.

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6 Responses to All The Things.
  1. » All The Things.
    August 23, 2015 | 5:15 pm

    […] All The Things. […]

  2. Justine
    August 23, 2015 | 5:33 pm

    Roar! Yes. It’s on my list to read. Thank you for sharing your heart & struggles. So cool we can trust Him with the pen to our stories. I love that He writes it. He much more GRAND than i! Love you friend. I would like to spend some time with you when you get back.

  3. Joli Rosner
    August 25, 2015 | 4:44 am

    Love you Darcy. Love your heart. Love your talent. Love your kids. Love your laugh. Love your eyes. Love that you are here!!! Thankful through the pain.

  4. mandy
    August 28, 2015 | 2:23 pm

    This resonates. Thank you. As we may be embarking on a move away from all we know…thanks for reminding me what it’s really all about.

  5. Carol
    August 29, 2015 | 7:59 am

    Thank you for what you wrote. It touched my heart and helped me re-focus. I will read the book.

  6. Annette
    August 30, 2015 | 8:56 am

    This.
    I love this.
    And I love you, my friend.

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