I used to write regularly about my health journey. Recovering eating disorder, yo yo dieter, and exercise addict that I was. I have learned so much in the past years since I really began to change my life in healthy ways. It has been a slow and terribly painful process. I am not very nice to myself. I do NOT have any concept of how to live “in the middle”. Balance is a bad word in some areas of my life. These are areas the Lord has been working in my heart tremendously.
I have never written about anything else that has had the same response as when I write these posts. I have connected with people and have pen pals and prayer partners and it has all been pretty encouraging. Until one day, I was the brunt of someone’s cruel words. My worst fears being talked about behind my back. You see, I like control and I like victory. I like it a lot. I expected that when I decided to get healthy from the inside out that it would happen quickly. However, the war that was taking place in my soul was this: I know how to manage my weight, but not one tool I use is healthy. After I read Made to Crave, I had such a deep desire to give God this area of my life, but I created chaos in the process. I didn’t know what to do. I planned to read the book, do the questions, get permanently fit, and be able to cross this problem area off my to do list. Heck, I even went on to teach the class twice. Here I was two years later, still blindly stumbling around and still trying to learn how to exercise moderately, eat healthy, and do so in a way that had me at a healthy weight. BUT as I learned I had layer, after layer, after layer of issues I needed to deal with. I had been so open and transparent with my journey that I began to fear what people might be saying about me. That I wasn’t making progress, that I still needed to lose weight, that all of these efforts were doing nothing. Then it happened. Those words were said in the cruelest of ways and that fact killed me. I don’t know how people can possibly be so downright vicious. It’s never fun when your worst feelings of failure are brought out into open and used so carelessly for other’s entertainment.
It honestly sent me spiraling and I shut my mouth, tight. I chose to go down another path of another program that I thought would work great, and faster, and then it didn’t “fix” me. Because the reality is I am not after solely a healthy physical body, I want even more than that to learn what I am supposed to, give God ALL areas of my life, and live with absolute peace in my heart. I am not trying to be a super model, but I will not settle for mediocrity. I firmly believe that God calls us to take care of our bodies the BEST that we can. Whatever we “look” like is not really up to us, but the choices made on a daily basis in these areas are. I know how to over exercise and under eat with the best of them and honestly what fueled that discipline was control and anger and as I lay my control at the foot of the cross the results were no longer something I seemed to be able to attain. Praise God. I am having to learn how to do this like a stinkin’ little baby. From scratch. From the very beginning and it is messy. Super messy. Give me a capitol S and a capitol M. I have never felt so human. Giving up your all to Jesus sounds pretty when you sing it in church. When you are down in the trenches dealing with deep past issues and pain it can be a lot more difficult.
I don’t remember a day not struggling in this area in my entire life and much like teenagers today cut themselves, girls back in my day punished their bodies mercilessly with all kinds of horrible things and I quickly and without much thought joined right in and developed a big issue. A big internal issue that I chose to begin talking about recently. I recently read something online where a gal had gained a big chunk of weight in a short time and was embarrassed to go to her dr. She finally did and as the dr. entered the room, she quickly began explaining her weight gain when he stopped her and said, “we all have scars, some are just more visible than others.” Amen. and Amen.
So true. My flesh desperately wants to bury mine. However, doing so leaves me trapped. It’s not an option.
So, this is the road I am on. I still am on it. God is here. I am learning. I am mad, frustrated, happy, and hopeful in the best way.
I have quoted Lysa’s book many times on this blog, particularly the line where she says, “This is a spiritual journey with great physical benefits.” I wholeheartedly agree. This journey is far more about my walk with Christ than my waistline.
You see, I don’t need one more program, one more eating plan with colorful containers to tell me what to eat, or one more app on my phone. Although all fabulous tools and ones I will continue to use…what I need is more of Jesus.
I surrender all.
A song easy to sing and hard to do.
I have started and stopped programs more times than I have put my socks on in this lifetime and yet every single time I get knocked down or fall and get back up there are lessons learned. Lessons riddled with humility and filled with His grace. I have learned so much about nutrition and fitness and tried so many different methods that it makes my head hurt. BUT, ya know what? None of them are my answer. Not one. I firmly believe Satan wants to keep our heads spinning. Try this, try that. This one will work. That one will for sure. The truth is they all work. Every single one of them works, if you do them. The truth is they all end. Jesus doesn’t.
It’s not about the program I choose, it’s about me. It’s about fear of trusting God in this area. It’s about fear to jump. It’s about the fact that it’s scary and living with my arms wrapped around myself is far safer than spreading my wings to fly.
Bottom line it is about learning that I can’t do this my way, on my own, and on my time table.
I learned at church recently about living in a state of constant desperation for God. While things that pull us away from God can take many many forms, this is mine. It will likely be a struggle for a long time and something I have to chose to constantly surrender to Him. Not doing it my way, but His. He made me in the first place. He knows what He is doing.
He is worthy of my praise.
He is worthy of my life.
I want to learn to obey Him in this area for the sole reason because I love Him. Not for better clothes, kudos on FB, or even feeling better physically. Although none of those are bad things, my motivating factor must be obedience, to the one who laid down His life for me, and knit me together.
It’s become a very personal issue between me and Him. A struggle that has taken me years to realize to the depth that I do that I am absolutely incapable of doing this without Him.
Moving 1800 miles across the country and leaving behind everything and everyone I know and love has unraveled me in the best way.
May we all learn to live in a state of constant desperation. Dreaming God size dreams.
and loving Him…
above all else.