The Tough Days

I am in the 6th week of Insanity and what began as a “I need to try this because everyone is doing it and I don’t wanna miss out” type of situation has turned into something much deeper.

I am loving this workout. Not because it’s fun, but because it requires an all in. Pretty much every time I press play I get an equal mix of dread and adrenaline. Every time I am done, I am dripping with sweat and completely spent. I need that. The all or nothing speaks to me.

The beginning of month two has brought me a new round of soreness, as I stared at the TV in disbelief today and said out loud, “Who are you people?”. I picked my jaw off the floor and joined them to the best of my ability. It wasn’t pretty, but I got it done. Now I can barely walk and I feel fantastic. Some say twisted, I say therapeutic.

If you have been reading for awhile, you know that I refer to Biggest Loser fairly often because I kinda heart that show more than any other. Well, you know the workouts where they have their “moment”? They are spent, look like crap, are exhausted and fetal on the floor by their throw up bucket at the end of the tread mill because they likely have just fallen off? In those moments, the deep revelations of soul healing work is begun. I’ve been there a few times during these weeks (minus the treadmill and the throw up bucket).

There is just something transforming about giving every shred of what you have. I have “worked out” regularly for a long time. This is a new level. I love me my Turbo Fire and it is a great workout. The calorie burn tells me so. It’s awesome and I have a great time doing it. Insanity? Insanity is fantastic on a whole different level. I need someone pushing me. Pushing me hard. Slapping the gym floor, dripping sweat, yelling, “You, can freaking do this.” Because the truth is I can and I often forget.

There is a time for dancing and a time for pushing to the limits and beyond what you are capable of. So that when you are done, you remember that the impossible is possible. It just takes some effort and much more effort than what is comfortable.

I decided to stop tracking the inches and pounds lost until the end of the program, which will be on Dec. 29th. I get quite derailed, quite quickly, when I don’t see the numbers doing what I want them to. I am giving my best because that is all I can do. I am trying to let go of the outcome. My best is rarely enough in my opinion. I am rarely satisfied with the outcome of my efforts. A weakness that has plagued me many times in my life. I am working on it.

I have done all of the workouts. I haven’t missed one yet. Six days a week for the past 5 weeks. I have been hit or miss on tracking my calories. I struggle with the discipline of that part. Haven’t been horrific, but haven’t been as fantastic as I want to be. A truly fit life style is a blend of heart, mind, body, and soul. They all play a very big part.

I’m so glad I’m doing this.

It’s in the eyes of my littles that I become inspired to be my best. God asks it of me and they sure deserve my efforts. While my littles will always be little to be, they really aren’t so little anymore. I am getting a bit freaked out about my age, for real.

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. How old must you be to have been married that long? Um 4o and 41 in our case. They just don’t tell you when you are 41 you feel 32. It’s the strangest thing. I feel very unready to move into this next phase of life where I trade pacifiers for car keys and diapers for cell phones. Yet, its approaching like a freight train and I can not stop it. Get ready, I must. Grow old gracefully is going to take some work, I guess. Right now I am growing old while kicking and screaming. It’s not so pretty.

Today has been rough. One of those days we all have. I saved enough calories to splurge on a peppermint hot chocolate from McDonalds because I tell you its ridiculously good. I sit here in my bedroom by the glow of my Christmas Tree, scared to move because my thighs will yell at me and I am a giant mix of emotion. The days that are SO much. Today is that. We live in a world with plenty of yuck. The yuck forces growth and for that part I am grateful.

Tomorrow morning I get to go photograph some sweet preschool children, hang with my own, tackle school lessons, take my son on a photo shoot, string popcorn, grin and bear it through another Insanity workout, and do all things that a mother will do.

“Being uncertain and scared and riddled with doubt some days isn’t a sign of bad things to come. It’s actually quite the opposite. After all, if great things weren’t on the horizon, I don’t think the enemy would be so bent on attacking us.”

-Lysa TerKeurst.

This comforts my soul.

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7 Responses to The Tough Days
  1. Sandi
    December 5, 2012 | 12:23 am

    “The yuck forces growth and for that I am grateful”

    I’m experiencing yuck. I know it is supposed to be for growth. I am ungrateful.

    Thank you for always being so honest…and consistent in it. I’m struggling with what God has me doing right now. I’m kicking and screaming the whole way with a not-so-happy heart. Not sure what to do with it all while trying to be submissive even in my yuck.

    I really love your heart…you have no idea.

  2. Teresa
    December 5, 2012 | 12:31 am

    I love that quote! My husband and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary this past November. One thing I am learning is do it to really enjoy each season of life The Lord gives me. For me the forties have been so odd. Reality has sunk in “I am getting older!”

  3. Rikki
    December 5, 2012 | 6:20 am

    You are doing so great with Insanity!! I agree about the getting older–I don’t feel it happening but there it is. I look at college kids and they seem 12. What?? ๐Ÿ™‚ Here’s to the YUCK turning into glory and transformation…I’m counting on it.

  4. Amy G
    December 5, 2012 | 7:55 am

    Girl, you are awesome! Seriously! SIX work outs a week and you haven’t missed one. No matter what that scale says on the 29th you accomplished something amazing! I would say a miracle! ๐Ÿ™‚
    (it would be in my case)Without sounding like your mom, I am SO proud of you! Your determination is inspiring!
    I hear ya on the getting old thing. Just wait till you don’t have anyone in diapers. It’s so weird! I think it’s awesome that you feel like your 32- that’s what will keep you young girl! You and your hubbie are absolutely adorable! Happy anniversary!
    Sorry about the yuck. Darn stinkin’ yuck!
    Hope you have a super fun day my friend!!!!!

  5. Cara Yeh
    December 5, 2012 | 1:49 pm

    LOVE. Keep inspiring, my friend! And that lasy quite is right on.. been feeling that lots, lately!

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