My Nineveh

On the next post I will get back to our School room tour, but life lessons interrupt and I must write them down, lest I forget.

It’s been a long week. Preceded by several other long weeks. I began a 100 day challenge about 70 days ago. It’s been a giant struggle. A time to learn to fail and be o.k. with it. Two days ago I officially aborted because God in His sovereign wisdom isn’t finished with me yet and I learned another heaping dose of self discovery.

* ingredient list for Pop Tarts. A former and occasional treat around here, but we did eat them.

My 100 day challenge was in my mind the last piece. If I did it I would be at my goal weight by the end. I would enter the fall season, thin and healthy, inside and out. I would spend the money that I have been saving for clothes. All would be well. Not too far into it, I fell off my horse and couldn’t seem to get back on. I wandered aimlessly and entered into a pit of old habits of beating myself up and concentrating on my failures. All my old vices spoke sweetly to me and I knew if I tried one, my goal weight would be in sight. I also knew that if I tried one, I would be prolonging the inevitable lessons that I needed to learn. The vices are the easy way. Wandering lost in my dessert looking for my horse is the hard way. I choose the hard way.

*The Costco Cake…formerly consumed at every event that warranted cake.

I would many times prefer to talk about cute crafts, room makeovers, gum drops, and unicorns. However, a lifetime of yo yo dieting which was a result of control issues, bad habits, unhealthy behaviors, and negative self talk is my baggage I open up today…yet again.  AND I am going to fling it wide open, pictures and everything. Sometimes, I question being so open about this. However, it NEVER fails that after a post like this, I receive multiple emails from people struggling just like me and I know beyond a doubt that I am not alone. I’m in amazing company surrounded by wonderful and unbelievably beautiful women who are battling their Ninevah, just like me. {I recently went to dinner with my bloggy friend Cara and she told me about a Bible Study that talks about what your Nineveh is. You know that Thing in your life. That pain in your butt and thorn in your side. What a beautiful way to put it. Nineveh.}

*Milton’s “healthy bread”. Formerly one of our favorites.

Praise God for my Nineveh. I told Him I would give Him everything. He wants this area too. I prayed Disturb me O Lord. He is. He promised peace. I am slowly but steadily being filled up with peace that is drowning out the yuck. It’s an incredibly difficult process.

* Nacho Cheese Dorito Chips formerly consumed for taco salad.

I need to wander right here. In my heart, I know I do. I need to go on vacation, not at my goal weight and still have fun. I need to see family pictures of myself and not cry. I need to learn to love myself from the inside. I need to stop saying “tomorrow”. I need to know how to give up control and not panic about that. I need to know these things. And because I have the best teacher ever…I am learning.

*Taken in 2005 after weeks of prescription diet pills. I’m on the very right.

I recently posted on an online fitness group board about aborting my challenge and why I was. Yesterday, I received these words from a sweet friend. Oh, how God wraps me with His arms through my friends. Check out the excerpts of this book When Wallflowers Dance that she sent me.

“Principles for Waiting

And so, the very first thing I beleive God asks of the person who is waiting their turn is:

1. Abide. Until its your turn, God is asking you to stay with Him. Don’t go anywhere. Remain. Stay. He wants you in His presence, moment by moment, so that step-by-step you hear His voice and turn at His will. Here’s where most of us give up. The wait feels too long, so we assume God doesn’t care. We push away from His presence to hurry things up. 

Arriving at our destination gives us new energy. We feel a surge of enthusiasm and resolve to push across the finish line. Enough spiritual adrenaline to keep going.

But waiting. Waiting is so draining. We begin to stumble, lose focus, and doubt. I love that the abiding Murray writes about is “for the weak.” A tired woman like you or me. We can do that. We can lean in and ask God to take hold of us. To abide is to consent in your mind and in your spirit to give yourself to God for His keeping. Here is where you can be assured that the wallflower can fall into the strong arms of God and agree to stay there. He is the One who will lift you up to dance at exactly the right time. “

~Angela Thomas.

…and so I read this in the diaper aisle at Walmart and I cry. It’s what my soul screams out but can’t find the words to say. She prays and I wipe the tears and head toward the check out.

“Lord, I lift up Darcy to you today. I pray that today you will give her an extra measure of grace – as she walks through the process of letting go and letting you do the work you are doing in her.”

*Near goal weight after several weeks of strict Atkins dieting.

My heart is heavy with the magnitude of the issue of control. Our sin nature permeates every thought, action, and step we take on this earth. It’s overwhelming at times. I remember that My God is bigger.

Control really stems from fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, and fear of bad things happening. All things not of the God that I serve. He wants control of my life, of everything. Big AND small. He wants my goal weight. He wants my health goals, but I want them too. So, I daringly and undeniably obliviously play tug of war with the Creator of the Universe. Gutsy of me, huh?

* Last week. After 19 months of a long process of working on the inside. I’m not gonna lie, seeing this produced tears. Have you ever cried at a portrait of yourself? Please tell me I am not alone on this one.

This morning I wake up and lay my rope down…..again. I ask for forgiveness. I ask Him to teach me how to abide and be content while I simultaneously continue to learn to care for this earthly body that is in fact the temple of the God that I serve. I give Him my health goals with no reservations. I feel peace. Deeply. Even though I am still 34 pounds from a healthy weight range for my height. That’s progress people.

I made a commitment to learn to be healthy in sane ways on January 1 2011. I have given up caffeine for good. I have learned to exercise consistently. I have learned to run 7 miles without stopping. I have learned to cut out processed food and eat clean. I am still learning these things and need to remember how far the Lord has brought me.

* worst marketing EVER.

I walk through Costco this morning looking at the food labels of popular foods and food that we use to consume on a regular basis and I remember loud and clear how far I have come.

God hugs me again through another sweet friend who writes.

” I know a little how you have struggled. Darcy, you are beautiful and God is refining you into what He wants and I feel like your goal weight might be a stumbling block. I said might be, this is not “thus sayath the Lord” just my thoughts that I felt compelled to share with you. You are doing so much right with being healthy , You are His workmanship”

And so I cry in the Costco aisle and praise God for the friends who give their time to write me and boldness to love me in this way. She had no idea that I had realized in the last few days, to the very depth of a stumbling block that my goal weight was for me. She had no idea that I gave it to Him this morning. I thank God for the confirmation that I am on the right path.

It’s a beautiful path full of twists and turns, success and failures. A path that somehow winds itself always at the foot of the cross. You see the thing that I have realized in all of this is…I was working for the end. There is no end. For the very life I live is my path. Finding joy in the journey and growth as I travel is what my Savior asks of me. Abiding in His arms is how I will find my strength.

This is my Ninevah. No doubt it will always be.

I will travel my path with the cross right before me and my Ninevah right behind. Close enough to remind me of my humanness and how very much I need my Jesus. Praise God for the reminder.

I can not do this on my own.

As I sit down to write this post I open my computer to this…

“Perhaps only when human effort had done it’s best and failed, would God’s power alone be free to work.” 
― Corrie Ten Boom.

Instead of tears I smile. Because this time I realize that I finally get it. There is “getting it” and “GETTING IT”. Human efforts have done their best and failed. I’m going to get out of the way now and let Him do His thing.

I’m gonna mess up again, rest assured. But in this magical life I live I GET this one now, just that much deeper. Hopefully, a year from now I will get it even deeper still.

I continue on my journey and

I’m gonna dance it the whole way because life is beautiful.

Nineveh and all.

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9 Responses to My Nineveh
  1. Rikki
    August 25, 2012 | 5:19 pm

    Darcy, thank you for sharing your heart. Let me be one of the multiple that testify that I, too, feel this battle. I just cried my eyes out this morning over it. It’s hard to be in the between and I sometimes doubt that v-v-victory is mine. But, I just looked at Jonah as I was mulling over this post. I got such a word so I thank you! I’ll share in case it’s applicable but it is shouting to me so it may not: Jonah 2:8.9 “Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’” Thank you again, Darcy, because you prod me on this journey. 🙂

  2. Heidi (Dearlylovedmist)
    August 25, 2012 | 8:26 pm

    Came across this in my devotions the other day: Psalm 103:2, 5 “Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits…who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”
    I find it so interesting/refreshing
    that he doesn’t satisfy our desires with the things we’re asking/waiting for. Those may not be his best. He satisfies us with his “good things” so that we are youthfully renewed.
    I have no idea if this helps you or not, but I felt compelled to share it.
    I think your family picture is lovely. You, my bloggy friend, are a treasure. Praying for you right now.

  3. Cara Yeh
    August 25, 2012 | 8:40 pm

    Oh, I just love your tender heart, my friend! I know it makes God smile. I do pray you can see just how beautiful you are!!

  4. Laura
    August 25, 2012 | 10:57 pm

    All your pictures are beautiful…at every weight…truly!

    I understand how you feel though when you look at yourself with a critical perfectionist eye and you don’t meet your own “standards”. Most pictures that survive my delete button are from the neck up…and only from that perfect angle that doesn’t reveal the double chin :).

    But I take comfort when I can see my son look at me like I am the most beautiful women in the world, even 80lbs over my ideal weight. I feel like kids don’t patronize like adults do, and if he can see me that way others can too.

    Truth is, I doubt anyone else whose opinion matters to me sees me as I see myself when I look at photos. They can see past my extra pounds and see beauty.

    While I am procrastinating on getting healthy, I haven’t stopped considering the things I’ve learned from you and Made to Crave :). I picked out the name “Beloved” for myself. We are His beloved children, His beloved bride. I am trying to remember that when I struggle with my self esteem and control issues :).

    Thanks for your post, you are so awesome and I love that you share these things. It makes me feel a bit less isolated and a bit more motivated!

  5. Amelia
    August 26, 2012 | 10:47 am

    Your words give definition to what I have felt so many times in my life. Tears flow as I read this post. What a blessing! Lifting you up in prayer all the way in southwest Missouri. Blessings to you. P.S. Your homeschool room is the greatest. Ever. The end.

  6. Miscellany Monday | Just A Night Owl
    August 26, 2012 | 11:32 pm

    […] Doodlelicious sermon notes. After Saturday’s Nineveh post? Impeccable timing. Preach on, Mr. Pastor…preach […]

  7. Amy G
    August 27, 2012 | 6:21 am

    Oh my sweet friend. I think you are writing the words in so many women’s hearts. If we could only believe we were as beautiful as God says we are. Praying for you me BEAUTIFUL friend!! Love you!

  8. Melody
    April 12, 2014 | 3:11 pm

    You are BEAUTIFUL. You do not need to be thin. To be healthy? Yes thats a good goal, toned even? Perhaps, but thin?
    Next time you have some spare time I dare you to google famous renaissance paintings and tell me what shape the women in that art are (and yes quite often theyre partially naked). These men often painted women not to lust over put to point out how beautiful they were. They paint women who have had probably at least 10 children, still retain all their plump hips and wobbly bits (as I call them lol) and stretch marks (or as my mother calls them, her tiger marks). Yet they are beautiful just like you and I. Remind yourself that thin doesn’t equal healthy. Secondly, if this helps at all with your perspective re your weight think about the legacy you want to leave. Let me tell you I am mighty glad that my grandmother doesn’t look like Joan Rivers. My grandmother is overweight and has struggled with her weight since she was a teen during a time when there was no processed food whatsoever and she hiked over steep hills every day. After my mother she is the most beautiful woman in my life. My adoration of her is not based on her weight.
    I know how you feel when you cried over that picture, I have been disappointed looking at photos myself recently as well and comparing them with my athletic high school ones. But then I remember that when I was in highschool I was MISERABLE. I was being abused by my stepfather and as pain relief I often ran a lot and went on 6 hour bike rides. Then I left that situation, got healed of what happened relaxed for the first time in my life and went to college where I worked my butt off for 5 years getting my degree, often spending 8 hours a day sitting in lectures then another 3 hours at home sitting and writing my papers. I had a healthy diet during that time but guess what I gained 5 then 10 then 20kg. But I was happy. In that photo of yours you look HAPPY. You have four beautiful children and a husband. Do you know how rare your family picture is in North America today? Do you know how many abused miserable single Moms (like my Mom was) would trade a thin body in a heartbeat in exchange for a heavier body if it meant having a family like yours? If God gave me a choice right now I would happily have him add another 10kg to my weight if it meant that I could have a Father present in my life like your children have. You are BLESSED. Be healthy yes, exercise yes, wear pretty clothes and lingerie for your husband even when you feel stink about your body, YES. Since he has had you birth 4 children out of those hips he should know and love your wobbly bits and so should you.

    God bless! I hope I wasn’t too harsh or anything just wanted to add my two cents

    Your sister in Christ,

    Melody

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