I love the weekends, especially the ones with rain involved. My hubby and I had a date night on Friday. We stayed up late and talked, side by side, by the fire. It was perfect. I love good conversation. I seriously could talk for hours. I love the connection. Love it. I also find that I process everything better out loud. I can’t tell you how many times I have been talking something through with someone and enlightened my own self as I was talking it out. These are times when I think that perhaps I should consider paying myself for therapy. Things just start to make sense as I hear myself say them.
Over the last couple of years the Lord has been really working on my own down deep issues. The ones that maybe no one sees, but become glaringly obvious as soon as the lights go off and you fight for sleep. You know those kind? The super fun ones. They are the ones that inevitably shape you. They keep the work hours long and the schedules busting at the seems…. the credit card debts high, the pounds on, the tough exterior in perfect fighting form, or the subtle poor me persona doin’ its thing. They sit, oh so magically, beneath the surface at a place that is perfectly situated below where they are easily seen but visible enough to let you know that they are still there.
Somewhere along the way, I’ve recently decided to embrace the fact that I am a control freak. Control freaks all look a little different. Some are blatantly obvious. Some, not so much.
I think I am one of the worst kinds, because I didn’t know I was one. Remember When Harry Met Sally? She was high maintenance, but thought she was low maintenance. I am Sally. However, not so much with ordering. O.k. wait, that is a lie. I am a super high maintenance eater too. Omg. BUT the point is that I am a control freak that didn’t know she was one. I didn’t fit my own definition of one, so I never really considered it. Turns out, I am a control freak of the emotional kind. This revelation came about after the prayer….Dear Jesus, I want to trust you more.
I have realized that trust and control freakiness do not play well in the sand box together. Not. One. Bit. Despite my life long attempts to make these two get along, I have finally realized it ain’t gonna happen. They do not and can not co exist. Basically with these two, you have to pick sides. You can’t have 100% trust in someone while maintaing control. At least, I have not found this to be anywhere near successful. Believe me, I’ve tried.
When I choose to trust, I have to embrace the fact that I am not in control. Let go…..two words that have the ability to induce panic for me. Merely typing them might be the reason my heart is starting to race. You see when you let go, you can get hurt. I don’t like that.
The problem is that letting go allows an immeasurable amount of joy. Living life to the fullest, the way it is meant to be lived. Drinking in every moment. Feeling everything. My heart’s desire. I do want that.
But it also means embracing the fact that I can not control this world around me. Life will not play out the way I think it should. I can not guarantee a life that is illness free, tragedy free, and heartache free…and after deep pain comes the instinct to protect, bottle up, and c o n t r o l….a vicious cycle perhaps.
I choose to let go. Let go of my need to protect, worry, and stress. My God’s got this.
It is a tough choice. A daily choice. Sometimes a minute by minute choice. I want to look at my life through His lens not mine. Trust Him with all of my heart, all of it. Trust Him with my husband. Trust Him with my precious babies. Trust Him with my joys and trust Him with my sorrows. Trust Him with the little and trust Him with the not so little. Give up control. Give it up. GIVE. IT. UP.
Growing is so flipping tough sometimes. Ugh, how there are days I long to sit and play on Pinterest and eat bon bons all the day long. Adorn myself in some fabulous pajamas and just watch the world go by. Growth is so necessary and comes in such unexpected ways. It is also so uncomfortable and leaves me drained and completely vulnerable. It is there, however, where change happens. God is there and God is good.
Lord, thank you for the still of the night. How many tears have been shed there, deep cries of the soul experienced there, fears have been quieted there, and unending hugs to my heart received there…..
God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
Takes one to know one
I so get it. Especially with the trusting God to keep my family safe. I was just wondering this morning, as I was writing in my prayer journal, how I could pray for you. Now I know. I read Psalm 37 this morning and had to stop and ponder on these verses (3-4)
“TRUST in the Lord and do good:
Dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
I think the trusting will get a wee bit easier when we get to know Him even more, deeper, and delight in growing closer to Him.
Thank you for sharing your heart. Hope you have a delightful day full of a trusting and joyful heart!